Grief Tools: Keeping a Journal

Expressing your grief through healthy outlets such as writing in a journal can give emotions that feel negative a positive, healthy conduit to beginning a healing process. The practice of writing in a journal can also create a personal source of self-empathy – a gift to and from yourself as you walk through your own mine field of grief, writing and then re-reading your self-expressions.

Whether you are a regular writer, or rarely sit down with a pen in hand, you can benefit greatly from the practice of writing in a journal on a regular basis as you cope with the death of a loved one.

1) Pick a Journal

To begin incorporating a journal-writing practice into your healing process, start by choosing a journal that beckons you to open it up and write inside. It can be a simple composition notebook, or an intriguing leather-bound journal from a specialty store.

2) Handwriting or Typing? 

It’s ideal to handwrite as the connection between the hand and the brain is most powerful here. But, if you’re really not comfortable handwriting, there are several online journal websites you can use or, simply use a basic office document on your computer.

3) Where to Start?

You do not have to be a skilled writer to start a journal and experience the benefits of this practice. Using an open free writing process can get the words flowing freely. Write whatever comes to mind. If you don’t know where to start, begin by answering these three questions:

How are you feeling today?

Is there anything that’s bothering you?

What are you grateful for?

4) How Do I Express What I’m Feeling?

This is the place to be completely open and honest. Whatever comes naturally, put it down without censoring it. Your journal is your safe space where you can say the things you may not say out loud to any one else.

If you’re angry, and you feel compelled to curse at your journal, do it. If you’re sad, and you want to scribble long run-on-sentences expressing every ounce of that sorrow, write until your pen runs out of ink, or your arm is tired.

This free write process will hopefully create a channel for you to begin to pour out whatever emotions are stirring within.

5) Incorporating Quiet Reflection

Consider going for a hike or walk in nature, and finding a quiet spot to write under a tree, or beside a stream. Close your eyes, inhale and exhale three long, slow breaths, then try not to think while you sit quietly in total stillness. At first, this may be an uncomfortable feeling, but as you settle into the quiet, you may begin to feel a sense of peace.

From this space of stillness, you can begin to observe what you are feeling. Ask yourself questions: Are you angry? Are you tired? Are you feeling a mixed bag of emotions, or is one predominantly overtaking at the moment?

When you are ready, open your eyes, and try again to write what you noticed and uncovered.  This is especially helpful if you’re still struggling with where to start writing. It should begin a stream of consciousness that opens the doorway to expressing more of what is alive in you.

6) Uncovering the Sources of Your Pain

As you begin noticing and observing your feelings in your quiet reflection and writing,  you can take on a role as an investigator, seeking to uncover the sources of your pain that lie beneath the emotions. Continue asking yourself questions, peeling back the layers of emotion like an onion.

What is it you miss most about your loved one? What were the most sacred gifts they gave you in your time with them? Did they give you a sense of meaning, connection, friendship? How did they provide companionship, security, stability, connection or meaning in your life?

7) Can’t Find the Words?

If at any point, you’re feeling completely stuck and unable to begin writing, try writing about anything around you just to get a flow of words started.

“The dog is at my feet begging for attention right now, I think I need to let him out but I don’t want to. Right now, I just want to sit here and try to write because I…”

Sooner than later, this almost always leads to that steady stream of consciousness.

8) How Long Should I Write For & How Often?

A rule of thumb is to write until you have filled three pages, or until you can’t write anymore. The longer you write, the more you will begin to express.

Make a goal to write daily, or at the least, weekly.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by emotions at any time, force yourself to put pen to paper and write about whatever is going on to give those feelings a healthy outlet.

9) A Dose of Self-Empathy & Compassion

When you’re done writing, take the time to go back and re-read what you wrote. Consider this a dose of much-needed self-empathy as you reflect on the emotions and experiences you wrote about.

Allow yourself to feel compassion for the person who wrote those words, much like you would feel towards a child who had skinned his knee. These words hold the most tender soft spots of your pain – they deserve honor and compassion both.

Re-reading your journal entries may prompt even more “ah-ha” moments as you learn more about the specific sources of your pain. Feel free to continue free-writing where you left off to document new discoveries, thoughts or feelings.

10) A Path to Healing

As you continue this process, you’ll find that after each writing session, you feel a little lighter. It may not change the way you feel, but in giving voice to your feelings, and a dose of self-empathy, you may begin to feel less bogged down by the weight of such intense emotions.

Over time, you can look back at what you’ve written and observe the ebb and flow of emotions vs. healing. You may begin to notice that you’re feeling some of these emotions less intensely, or that you’re more able to work through them you were before.

Consider your journal a best friend and confidant as you work through your grief – a trusted source of compassion, empathy, and expression. Take comfort in the time you give yourself to write freely, and express yourself openly, and honestly. Give yourself the gift of quiet reflection and writing time as often as possible – whenever you are feeling awash in grief, and even when you begin to feel glimmers of joy and gratitude as you work through your healing process.

By Megan Aronson

After a devastating string of twenty deaths in four years, Megan Aronson now uses her personal experiences to empower others to tend to their pain with conscious intention. She enjoys writing and speaking about the unique healing tools she uncovered through her own grief process, offering practical methods for growth and healing after the death of a loved one

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Grief Tools: Expressing the Pain

When grief enters our lives, we often feel unprepared for it. We may feel like a black cloud is following us, or as though we’ve become that black cloud, raining pain and sorrow down in every direction. The emotions that arise feel overwhelming and abundant, and we rarely feel prepared to meet such emotions.

It is often an unconscious habit to respond to painful emotions through fight or flight reactions. Feelings of sadness, sorrow, shame, guilt, denial, and despair make us uncomfortable, so we may try to avoid them.

There is a phrase, “What you resist, persists.” When we resist the uncomfortable feelings, they can seem to gain a stronger hold on our lives that may block us from beginning to heal.

So, how do we brace ourselves for the storms of grief? How do we arm ourselves with tools to stay afloat, so we don’t get lost in the torrential sea of grief we’ve been thrust into?

Consider this quote by best selling author, Eckhart Tolle. 

“Any negative emotion that is not fully faced and seen for what it is in the moment it arises does not completely dissolve,” Tolle explains. “It leaves behind a remnant.”

~Eckhart Tolle, Best-selling Author, “A New Earth”

Pain is like a person. It wants to be seen and heard. Much like we hold a memorial or funeral service for our loved ones who have passed, it is valuable to honor and acknowledge your feelings of loss, anger, sadness, regret, and even joy surrounding the life and death of your loved one.

It may sound scary, but leaning into the pain, instead of away from it, can actually create a pathway to healing. When an emotional wave comes at you in the storms of grief, you will find riding the wave, rather than paddling against it, will lead to a more peaceful passing of the storm.

Rather than pushing your emotions away or trying to avoid them, you can actually soften right into them. Arm yourself with tools of compassion and self-empathy as you work to dissolve the strong “charge” around these powerful feelings.

Allow yourself to express all your emotions fully in the moment they arise. Society tells us to stay strong, put on a brave face, keep moving forward, be tough for others, never give up – but these messages are the exact opposite of what we need when a loved one passes.

The energy of grief is like an inflatable pool – the emotions, pain, and trauma can fill you up within. If try to “stuff” the pain, ignore it, or simply go around it, it doesn’t go away. It festers within, grows stagnant and sour. Left unexpressed, pain transforms into a life-eating poison that seeps into every corner of your life. The longer it sits, the more it destroys your ability to experience joy and peace. Unattended pain will sour your relationships, your work -  your daily ability to survive and thrive.

DO’s & DON’T’s of Expressing the Pain

Time and again, you may be tempted to return to your own sources of pain-numbing avoidance such as tuning out to the TV or internet, shopping, eating, sex, drugs, or alcohol. DO learn to recognize your triggers and your numbing tools so that with this awareness, you can begin to build new habits of expressing and acknowledging the pain, instead of avoiding it.

DON’T be afraid to “break down.” Let go, let it out. Soften into the pain as you tenderly work to express, and then, heal it. 

DON’T be afraid of your tears – they are the first language we are given as a baby. They are our innate, natural, healthy expression of pain.

DON’T feel you need to “be strong” for others.  People only say that because they are afraid of facing their own pain and/or yours. The best example you could set for yourself, and those around you – even your children – is in expressing the pain openly and honestly.

If you’re angry, DO give that anger a healthy outlet to be expressed – scream it, cry it, write it, punch it in a pillow, kick it in the wind, yell it to the sky, whiplash it onto a canvas with paint.

Whatever “negative emotions” arise, DO meet them wholeheartedly with tools of self-expression. Consider writing in a journal daily, utilizing a space of quiet reflection to douse yourself with tender self-empathy, spending time in nature to nurture your soul, channeling your feelings into creative projects like cooking, painting, writing, drawing or singing.

Although few people know how to simply “be” with the bereaved, if you are fortunate to have friends or family who can be a source of empathy and tender compassion, DO include others in your self-expression process as well. Also, consider seeking out a professional counselor who can really acknowledge your feelings, and help you begin to identify the specific hurts beneath them as you work towards healing.

Each day will bring different ebbs and flows of hurts and healing as you give yourself permission to express, honor and fully acknowledge the waves of grief. It may be hard to believe, but in this space of being broken open, you may uncover strengths and wisdom you never could have imagined before.

Martha Beck said it best here:

“Emotional discomfort, when accepted, rises, crests and falls in a series of waves. Each wave washes a part of us away and deposits treasures we never imagined. Out goes naivete, in comes wisdom; out goes anger, in comes discernment; out goes despair, in comes kindness. No one would call it easy, but the rhythm of emotional pain that we learn to tolerate is natural, constructive and expansive… The pain leaves you healthier than it found you.” ~Martha Beck

As you meet each day and each wave, be compassionate with yourself. Treat yourself, and your pain, like you would a child, gently leaning into the tender soft spots of the pain. Give yourself empathy as you uncover the deepest sorrows, and even joys, that surround your loss. The internal dialogue you create here becomes a powerful tool for acknowledging your pain, and beginning to transform it into a sense of peace and healing.

Remember, there is no timetable on grief. The loss of your loved one will be with you forever. Just as you go back to a gravesite to honor and acknowledge your loved one, return to yourself, again and again, taking time to continue to honor and acknowledge the pain around your loss.

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