Tips for international funeral shipping

Posted on 31 January 2012. Tags: Casper, cremation, funeral, international

By Joe Casper

More and more people have the desire to return to their homeland in the event of their death.

The old adage applies, “Home is where the heart is.”

With America’s ever expanding ethnic diversity, there are increasing numbers of people who want to repatriate to their homeland.

For many, funeral-shipping expenses can be restrictive and prohibitive. Too often, families are quoted international shipping costs that are way beyond their means; make sure to get a second quote. The difference in shipping quotes can run in the thousands.

Since consulate approval is mandatory, the first question a family must ask a funeral service provider is, “Are you a known shipper?” If their answer is “no” then move on, because that funeral home won’t be allowed to place the deceased on an international flight.

The receiving country must approve all international funeral shipping and regulations; requirements must be specific and clearly defined.

It is also essential that the quote obtained for international funeral shipping services is for a complete ship out. Make certain the quote obtained is complete and without additional charges. Trust, confidence and experience are so important in selecting an international funeral service provider.

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What is old school in the world of funeral arrangements?

By Joe Casper

Recently I went into an Asian restaurant and asked the young waiter, “My father loved chicken chow-mein. How is it here?” To which the waiter replied, “Old school.”

So what is new school?

Based on the waiter’s response, it was clear that this remains a choice, but more people are ordering new school.

There is a new school message that lots of people are using when faced with a funeral emergency and they have limited funds.

Old school is where a family chooses a funeral home, calls them, is given the cost and then pays for the services selected.

The new school way people deal with a funeral emergency is to get more choices and make cost comparisons.

They get second opinions because they want to be certain that they are making an informed decision.

Making any type of funeral arrangement, especially simple cremations, comes down to feeling comfortable with the person you are talking with is credible and giving you direct answers. You are, after all, making arrangements for someone you care about and is very important to you.

If the response to your questions is “maybe” then it should be a “no.”

People should choose wisely. Get a list of all of the costs and services which you are considering.

If you are comfortable, then proceed. If not, then start checking additional facilities to get second and third opinions.

You won’t know unless you double check. Do your homework.

So are you old school or new school?

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Times are changing when it comes to funeral planning

By Joe Casper

The more things change, the more they remain the same. However, for the American funeral these are changing times.

One of the biggest changes is the preference of cremation over burial. Cost is the main factor. All crematories in Massachusetts are located on cemetery grounds.

The average charge for the crematory is about $450. The cost for an average private cemetery, a grave opening and grave box could cost on average $5,000.

Neither the crematory nor the cemetery pay commission to the funeral home.

The tradition of the funeral home coordinating all of the cemetery arrangements, then adding it to the bill — with no profit to them — is a mystery.

Recently, a woman purchased two graves in a very prestigious cemetery.

With the grave opening and vault the cost came to more than $16,000. The cemetery salesperson said, “Make sure you bring us a check the morning of the funeral.”

The person who purchased the graves believed the funeral home received 20 percent. This is untrue, the funeral home receives nothing from the cemetery.

When a family chooses cremation over a burial, there is no reason for the funeral director to push burial over cremation. The funeral home gets nothing either way.

More people are having a traditional service with a wake followed by a cremation. They have visiting hours and a priest or a minister presides over the wake service.

Another choice is direct cremation. After the person is removed from the place where they died, all the paperwork is completed and 48 hours later they are taken to the crematory. A memorial service follows at a church or some other location. The family makes its own plans and arrangements.

Should the family choose to put a death notice in the newspaper, they are responsible for writing it. The newspaper will call the funeral home to confirm that the person is deceased.

If people wish to scatter the cremated remains they do so at a location of their choice. Some people choose to have the cremated remains buried in a cemetery grave. The cemetery will charge an interment fee, which can range from $600 to around $1,200.

With fewer traditional burials, the cemetery has increased the cost for interring cremated remains to offset the loss of regular interment fees. In greater Boston, interment fees for private cemeteries begin at $1,600.

Each cemetery has its own price list of services and sets its own policy regarding what consumers are allowed to do. Prices and options vary.

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Death---It's a Living

Tuesday, 15 January 2013 15:08

CNBC is airing the hour-long documentary "Death, It's a Living," on Thursday, January 31 (check your local listings). FCA executive director Josh Slocum is interviewed as a critic of the funeral industry. The piece looks at embalming, funeral trade shows, cremation, cemeteries, and more. A two-minute preview shows what looks like a pretty entertaining hour of TV. 

 

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Friday Funeral Films: My Mexican Shivah

Friday Funeral Films: My Mexican Shivah

By Gail Rubin

My Mexican Shivah is a very funny comedy funeral film that illustrates highly traditional shivah Jewish funeral traditions in an entertaining manner. It contrasts contemporary Mexican Jews living in Mexico City and shows the clashing cultures of secular versus religious.

At the very opening of the film 75-year-old Moishe drops dead of a massive heart attack during a celebratory dinner with a group of theater friends. Moishe’s family and friends gather in Mexico City for the seven-day Jewish mourning ritual known as “sitting shivah.”

A crazy collection of characters come together to make a delicious comedic stew flavored with Jewish traditions many less-observant Members of the Tribe may not know about.

Moishe (played by Sergio Kleiner) had been living with a Catholic girlfriend before he dropped dead. Daughter Esther (played by Raquel Pankowsky) is a typical Jewish mother who worries about her daughter not getting married. Son Ricardo (played by David Ostrosky) butts heads with his son who has become Orthodox and sports a black hat and payas side curls.

According to Jewish belief, from the moment a Jew is born, he or she is accompanied by two angels: an angel of light and an angel of darkness. The spirit angels Aleph and Bet (only visible to the camera) watch over the family and calculate which angel will accompany Moishe’s soul to the afterlife. They speak in Yiddish. The rest of the film is in Spanish and Hebrew (for the prayers) with subtitles.

My Mexican Shivah shows a number of Jewish funeral traditions before during and after a funeral. During the opening credits we see these traditional actions taken when someone dies:

Closing the eyes of the deceasedSaying the Shema prayer and the repetition of the Hebrew phrase “The Lord is God” seven timesCovering the body “so his Soul can start the Journey”Candles and a glass of water at head of deceasedTurning the feet to point toward the doorThe living apologizing to the dead for any awkwardness of handling the bodyThe tahara ritual – washing the body for both physical and spiritual cleansing

To make sure the proprieties of mourning are observed there’s a Chevreman on the scene. He is a member of the Jewish Burial Society (a.k.a. the Chevra Kaddisha) who guides the family through many of the funeral rituals.

He asks for Moishe’s prayer shawl so it can be buried with him (no one thinks he had one)He conducts the keriah ritual where the mourners tear their clothing just prior to the funeralThe burial shows dirt landing on the rough wood of the simple casketHe helps the domestics set up the house of mourning. That includes:Clearing out flowers, covering mirrors and family photos and lowering the seating

When one of the domestics tells the Chevreman that “Mrs. Esther likes to show off the mirror,” he replies with the rules of the seven days of mourning. “Mrs. Esther knows that for seven days she can’t show off… she can’t work, bathe, wear leather shoes, have sex, study the Torah, greet people, wear clothing with starch, sit in normal chairs, shave or express joy in any way.”

In a comedic twist, over the seven days this guy is milking the family for all they’re worth by charging for kosher food, slippers and various shivah goods. Some of the elements of shivah portrayed in the film include:

A seven-day candle is lit to mark the start of the mourning period right after the funeralA glass of water and napkin or towel is placed next to the seven-day candle (a very old tradition designed to appease the Angel of Death)Visitors to the house of mourning kiss the mezzuzah as they enterMoishe’s son and daughter eat a hard-boiled egg as the first food they consume after the funeral (representing the cycle of life)Prayer services are held daily in the house of mourning (the film depicts the men praying and the women observing)Mourning is suspended during ShabbatAt the end of the seven-day period the family leaves the house and walks around the block to indicate they are done with the initial mourning period (there are other observances over the course of the year)

In between all the Jewish traditions portrayed there are too many comedic situations to describe. You just have to see it yourself.

I use clips from My Mexican Shivah to illustrate and discuss Jewish funeral traditions in talks at Jewish community centers, synagogues and funeral homes. Another good film option that is more widely available on DVD is Nora’s Will (also from Mexico).

Unfortunately, this film is not widely available for sale on DVD. However it is available for rent on Netflix.

Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death®, is author of the award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die and host of A Good Goodbye TV. She speaks to groups using clips from funny films to illustrate funeral planning issues and help start serious conversations. Her website is www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

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Holidays, Hospitals and Death (Cartoons)

Holidays, Hospitals and Death (Cartoons)

Cartoonist Stephan Pastis’ strip Pearls Before Swine is a great source for Death Cartoons. One particularly on-target Pearls Before Swine cartoon is featured on the cover of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. While he’ll often do cartoons with puns that are real groaners, he also does very sensitive depictions of love and loss.

He just did a series about a character named Andy who is visiting his dad in the hospital during the holidays. These cartoons show how hard it can be to talk with family members. Click on the titles to see the cartoons at GoComics.com.

To everyone who has had a loved one die during the Christmas season, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Christmas in the Cemetery

Christmas in the Cemetery

Last night, on the way back from enjoying the luminarias in Albuquerque’s Country Club district, we stopped by the Catholic cemetery just off of Edith Blvd. Just as last year, the place was mobbed with visitors. Festive decorations, lights and luminarias showed that families did not forget their dead on this special night.

Entire families came out, bringing even their youngest children, to show we remember our loved ones. Death is not to be feared. Love endures beyond this physical sphere.

These YouTube videos show scenes from last year. Wishing you peace and joy!

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Wanna Buy Casket Accessories?

Wanna Buy Casket Accessories?

Ever get emails from China enticing you to buy something? Here’s a really non-enticing note I just received. I don’t make or sell caskets. Not interested in buying, but it’s something to mock! Spelling errors and typos are intact.

Dear Gail Rubin,

We get your email address from the Internet and learn that you may be interested in casket accessories.

We specilized in manufacture of casket accessories for nearly 10 years. We get a competitive price with better quality.

Our items as follows,

Casket handles
Casket corners
Jesus
Swing bars
Screws and other accessories

We can send our catalog for your reference by email. And welcome to send me your detail requirement for the model you like(As packing,quantity). Then we will quote the best price for you.

Thanks a lot and with warm regards.

Best Regards,

Jenny
Jiashan Fidelite International Trading Co., Ltd.

If this note makes you want to buy their casket accessories, let me know and I’ll send you Jenny’s contact information.

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Thwarting Cemetery Thefts with Creativity

Thwarting Cemetery Thefts with Creativity

In a recent Dear Abby column, readers provided creative suggestions on how to prevent the theft of floral tributes, flags and other meaningful items left in cemeteries and placed on graves.

Here are several letters from readers with their tips. Good suggestions here!

DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from “Itching to Get Even in Cincinnati” (Oct. 1), the woman who was upset that the handmade wreaths she had placed on her family graves had been stolen?

I volunteer at a historical cemetery. Many cemeteries have rules about the type and size of grave decorations that are allowed on the grounds, which is sometimes none at all. In fact, if decorations are allowed, unless they can be firmly attached to the ground, real flowers are usually preferred because they biodegrade and do not create a nightmare for groundskeepers when the plastic eventually weakens.

While it’s touching that “Itching” and her sister continue to make thoughtful and beautiful arrangements for their deceased loved ones, they should consider speaking with the cemetery office or groundskeeper about any regulations they might have in order to avoid this kind of upset again. — MAUREEN IN BROOKLYN, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: When Dad died, my mom and I returned to his grave the next day. All the flowers were missing, but the plastic they were attached to was still there. When we inquired about it we were told that deer come down at night and eat the flowers. My dad, a nature lover, would have been pleased that they provided a meal for the deer. — STILL MISSING HIM

DEAR ABBY: The dead are no longer of this world. When people visit their graves, they should leave good thoughts, not material items that end up as trash or stolen. — PAMELA IN VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: After my mother died, I bought a concrete garden angel statue and put it by her headstone. Like “Itching,” I too was bitter after it was stolen.

When I told my husband, he told me, “Honey, your mother was an angel. She didn’t need one. Someone else must have needed one.” After he said it, it put the incident into a different perspective. — ANGEL’S DAUGHTER IN MISSOURI

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, the flags my mother and I had placed on Memorial Day were stolen. After that we would write, “Stolen from the grave of …” on the sticks of the flags we left for my father’s and stepfather’s graves. It worked! — DOT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ABBY: My sister made a Christmas tree for our mother’s grave and decorated it with functional lights. When I asked her why she went to the extra expense, she replied that she knew it would likely be stolen. She said she wanted the thief to have a tree with working lights, so the person would have a brighter Christmas. — GERRY IN HUNSTVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I had the same problem until I started attaching small signs to my floral wreaths that read, “Thou Shalt Not Steal.” I make the signs business card-sized, cover them with clear tape, attach them to a beverage straw and insert them in the flowers or attach them to the wreaths. So far it has worked. And if it doesn’t, at least it may make the thief think twice. — MARIE IN PENNSYLVANIA

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Snowman Funeral Cartoon

Snowman Funeral Cartoon

You just have to look at this snowman funeral death cartoon to get the joke. Thanks to Karl E. Jennings for sending this along!

Do you suppose this snowman was cremated?

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After CT Shootings: Support and TV Backlash

After CT Shootings: Support and TV Backlash

As our nation stumbles to get a grip around the Sandy Hook Elementary shootings, we begin to see the importance of the funeral director in our society.  The Connecticut Funeral Directors Association (CFDA) and the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) report being swamped with offers of help.

CFDA has received numerous offers of assistance and support from funeral directors and embalmers. Calls and emails have come in from throughout the United States and around the world.CFDA has been gratified by the many suppliers that have stepped forward to donate goods and services to the funeral homes serving the families.The CFDA board of directors met over the weekend and has organized teams of Connecticut funeral directors and embalmers who will lend their assistance to the 10 funeral homes that are serving the families. The number of volunteers numbers more than 100.

The NFDA released this statement to those in the industry:

On Friday, NFDA reached out to the CFDA, extending our support to funeral directors in the area who will be helping the families of those who died. We have forwarded a supply of grief materials to the CFDA for use by area funeral homes and Sandy Hook Elementary School. We hope these materials will assist funeral directors in helping their families during this unfathomably difficult time.

This week, and in the weeks to come, NFDA will do whatever it can to support the funeral directors who are heroically caring for the families of those who died. We understand these funeral directors are serving their friends and neighbors; people they see at church and in the grocery store. Even though they are trying to process their own grief and sadness over what has transpired in their community, they must instead focus on what they do every single day – help families say goodbye to their loved ones in a meaningful way.

NFDA will be staying in close contact with CFDA to discern other ways to be of assistance. We will continue to keep you updated on our efforts.

What Can You Do To Help?

The instinct to help in times like this is natural. At this time, CFDA has not requested any additional volunteer assistance. Should their needs change, NFDA will notify you.

CFDA has established an assistance fund that will accept financial contributions to aid the families impacted by this tragedy. NFDA has made a $5,000 contribution to this fund; the Funeral Service Foundation has also donated $5,000. Contributions may be sent to:

“CFDA Newtown Support Fund”
C/O Liberty Bank
171 Silas Deane Highway
Wethersfield, CT 06109
Attn: Ben Floren, Liberty Bank

The Funeral Service Foundation also established a fund to support the needs of victims, funeral directors and the community of Newtown. Please visit the Foundation website (www.funeralservicefoundation.org) early tomorrow (Tuesday, December 18) and look for a button that will take you to information about how to contribute.

Finally, as you continue to think of and pray for the victims and their families, please also include your fellow funeral directors. They have likely never faced something like this and we hope they never will again. Children’s funerals are never easy. When children die under such unimaginable circumstances, such as what happened in Newtown, the task of serving the families and helping them begin to say goodbye is all the more difficult.

Thank you for the care and compassion you demonstrate to families and your community in their times of need. We are proud to be the association that represents you.

TV Violence

Meanwhile, over in TV-land, Washington Post columnist Lisa de Moraes noted TV networks are scrambling to be sensitive after the shootings, and yet violent TV shows are having their highest ratings ever.

The TLC channel pulled the pilot for “Best Funeral Ever,” a reality series featuring the staff at Golden Gate Funeral Home in Dallas that stages home-going celebrations with Christmas, state fair and doo-wop themes. It got pushed back to a January 6 debut.

The Discovery Channel canceled the reality series “American Guns” after its 16-episode run ended. The network insisted the shooting in Connecticut had no connection to their decision. Fox, SyFy and other networks made changes to their programming on Friday.

And yet, Showtime’s serial-killer drama “Dexter” and terrorist-thriller programs “Homeland” season finales enjoyed record-setting numbers. People are still tuning in to watch violent make-believe TV, when real gun violence is rocking our world. What is wrong with this picture?

Read all the news from her column yesterday, The TV Column: Networks scramble to be sensitive; viewers still watch violent shows.

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Friday Funeral Films: The Big Lebowski

Friday Funeral Films: The Big Lebowski

By Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death®

As a Friday Funeral Film, The Big Lebowski offers several good cremation lessons. The cult classic comedy focuses on bowling, White Russians, and life in Southern California, but it also offers some funeral planning tips.

This 1998 movie written and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen is a story about Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges), an unemployed hippie who runs into all sorts of trouble when he’s mistaken for a millionaire with the same name. When The Dude seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling pals to help, all sorts of weird situations erupt.

Bowling buddy Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) is a Vietnam veteran with anger management issues. Theodore Donald ‘Donny’ Kerabatsos (Steve Buscemi) also bowls with them. Together, they try to make the most of the strange situations they stumble into and to understand the bizarre people who enter their world.

Nihilists (those who believe in nothing) set upon the trio outside the bowling alley late in the film. Unfortunately, Donny meets his maker due to a heart attack. This brings us to the funeral film lessons in The Big Lebowski.

Frugal Cremation Tips

The Dude and Walter go to a mortuary to pick up their friend’s ashes. Walter peruses the bill and questions the funeral director, Francis Donnelly.

WS: “What’s this?” (tapping the bill)
FD: “That’s for the urn.”
WS: “Don’t need it, we’re scattering the ashes.”
FD: “Yes, so we were informed. However, we must of course transmit the remains to you in a receptacle.”
WS: “This is a hundred and eighty dollars.”
FD: “It is our most modestly priced receptacle.”
WS: “A hundred and eighty dollars?”
FD: “They range up to three thousand.”
The Dude: “Can’t we just rent it from you?”
FD: “Sir, this is a mortuary, not a rental house.”

The scene builds to comic intensity, ending with an angry Walter asking if there’s a Ralph’s nearby. If you’re not familiar with Southern California, Ralph’s is a popular grocery store chain. They get a can of Folgers Coffee, which makes an appearance in the next scene.

The lessons from this scene:

You do not have to buy an urn from a funeral home.You can bring in your own container to receive cremated remains from a funeral home. Use your imagination – a coffee can, a vase, a decorative box – hobby shops have lots of good options.You can take the remains home in the most basic container, a cardboard box lined with heavy plastic, which is how the funeral home receives the remains from the retort.Some folks will wrap the cardboard box in colorful fabrics and ribbons or in wrapping paper changed to reflect the season.A coffee can is just the right size for holding the ashes of most people.

A Lesson in Eulogies and Ash Scattering

In the next scene, The Dude and Walter go to scatter Donny’s ashes in the Pacific Ocean. They silently climb to a bluff overlooking the sea.

Walter says a few words about Donny, but quickly veers into commenting with anger about the lives lost in the Vietnam War. As he commits Donny “to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean” while standing on a windblown cliff, he ends up covering The Dude with Donny’s mortal remains.

The lessons from this scene:

When scattering ashes, don’t stand downwind!For disposition in the ocean, it’s better to be on a boat near the surface of the water and keep the cremated remains enclosed in a biodegradable container.Federal regulations dictate when sinking cremated remains at sea they should be placed at least three nautical miles offshore.However, there are no cremation police in the U.S. Be sensitive to your surroundings.Lastly, the eulogy should be all about the person who died, not about the person giving the eulogy.

The Big Lebowski is a fun film on its own. The funeral lessons are a bonus. Rated R, it’s available from Netflix and Amazon.com. Check it out!

The Doyenne of Death® Gail Rubin helps start serious conversations by presenting talks that use funny films to illustrate funeral planning issues. Visit her website at www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

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Great Video on Talking to Kids about Death

Great Video on Talking to Kids about Death Caitlin Doughty, Ask a Mortician

I admire Caitlin Doughty, licensed mortician and founder of the Order of the Good Death. With sly humor and good advice, she, like me, seeks to help start funeral planning conversations. This new video on her Youtube channel demonstrates how adults can talk to their children about death.

“As adults, we’ve gotten very good at denying death, at figuring out how to push it way back into the back corners of our minds,” Doughty said. “But a child faced with death hasn’t built up those same defense mechanisms and might not be as good at repressing their fears.”

When Doughty was eight years old, she saw a child die in a traumatic way. A scene like that is often replayed over and over in a child’s mind, and children don’t have to see a death happen to be psychologically traumatized.

“If you’re a parent or guardian, you need to man up, or woman up, and push past your own fears about death to talk to your child about it. Do not let them suffer in confusion and silence because you are afraid,” she said.

Doughty then goes on to use a fuzzy doll puppet to demonstrate a few questions you might face and answers you might consider. It’s got humor, humanity and good advice. Check out the video – it’s great.

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