Is the Eulogy the Most Important Part of the Funeral?

If you went to a wedding and the speeches were given by someone who barely knew – or had never even met – the people getting married, would that seem strange?

And yet often this is what happens at a funeral, when eulogies are written and delivered by someone who is a complete stranger to the person who died. Which is why it’s so great that you are reading this page, because you giving the eulogy for someone you love and care about is going to make a huge difference to you, and to all those who hear you.

Great eulogies follow a simple structure – words of introduction, words of ending, and some stories in the middle. Those stories can’t cover a person’s whole life, of course, but they can give a real sense of their life, of who they have been as a person. And you’ll probably start with the stories from when they were young – or from when you first knew them – and move on to things that happened later.

And yes, the stories can be funny – a great eulogy will prompt laughter as well as tears. And we all want to remember the good times, even in these saddest of moments.

Below is an example eulogy from How to Write and Deliver a Great Eulogy in 6 Simple Steps. If you want to find out more about this downloadable guide you can do so here.

This real-life eulogy – which I myself read at my brother-in-law’s funeral – was delivered on behalf of the family, and is written as if coming from a group voice, which is why the word “I” doesn’t appear, and the word “we” does. It includes stories and anecdotes, and shares feelings, while at the same time being a brief story of Robert’s life.

“Robert was born in April 1967, the youngest of the six children of Andrew and Celia Wheeler.

His elder brother Stephen’s prayer was answered and after four sisters along came Robert. Sally had managed to get the day off from school and was the first sibling to hold the newest of the Wheelers, a beautiful baby boy. His name was soon shortened and he was known as Bertie as a baby, and later as Rob to his many friends.

He was always cheerful, a bouncing toddler with a head of curls which Mum could hardly bring herself to cut. Michelle found him irresistible and would wake him from his naps to play. Anne remembers walking to the shops with him toddling at her side, imagining that he was her child. With five older siblings, Robert had to learn to hold his own, but he was a good-hearted and gentle child and we loved him for that. 

Robert was eager to be a part of Stephen’s gang and would trail along after him in his Paddington Bear duffel coat and red boots. At the Saturday morning cinema show Sally remembers Stephen sending him up on to the stage to cause havoc by walking in front of the screen. There wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for Stephen.

At St Mary’s Primary School Robert met Jason who was to become a fixture in his life until the very end. Jason has described Robert as his dearest friend for thirty-three years.

Once the young Rob and Jason were doing the school raffle. They apparently went round the classes selling the tickets and when they found that they had some unsold tickets left over, they both innocently wrote their names down on these spares and put them into the ticket box. When the tickets were drawn and Robert’s name came up for each prize, suspicions were aroused and he became known as Robert Stealer!

Being the youngest, Robert always had someone in the family to play with but as the older ones began to fly the nest he grew closer to Pam, his youngest sister. They were always out and about getting into scrapes and having adventures. Once in a while though Pam would be the one left behind to face the music because the boys had all legged it quicker than her.

In Robert’s late teens Sylvester Stallone was his role model, and Robert got into body building and joined the local athletics club. His self-assurance grew as he spread his horizons, made lots of new friends and proved himself through his skill at javelin throwing, becoming regional Under 19 champion. He blossomed into a very handsome and strong man, who was totally unaware of his good looks – which of course made him even more likeable!

Around this time Joanna arrived on the scene when she lodged at our house while studying. For Robert she was the one. Beautiful, bright and at ease in herself and with others, Robert made a wise choice in her. At their wedding, his friend Jason made us all laugh when he recalled that it was around the time that they met that Robert was finally able to shed the teenage carapace of his furry hooded parka. 

With Joanna, Robert was at his happiest. Together they grew into adulthood and shared some fantastic times together, especially whilst living and working abroad. She was the making of him and we witnessed the way he grew so much in confidence because they traveled together and she encouraged him to try new things. 

Robert and Joanna were married in July 1998 at a church in the Forest of Dean. At the hotel, the lawn where we gathered for pictures was set against a backdrop of beautiful beech trees, a setting which Robert loved. It was a superb day, full of laughter, full of love and full of great memories.

To know loving kindness was to see Robert with children. His nieces and nephews began arriving when he was in his teens and he immediately showed his facility with children. He was a wonderful uncle to them. Robert could meet them on their terms, with sensitivity and affection. They knew they could go to him for counsel, or for comfort or to just hang out with. He was always ready to play, encouraging them, listening to them and loving them.

In answer to all his hopes Joanna gave him two beautiful children of his own, a son Peter and daughter Isabelle. Robert was completely delighted and quickly proved himself to be a very hands-on Dad with masses of patience and lots of energy. 

All of us agree that if any of us ever had a problem, Robert was a great listener. When diplomacy was called for, he could be relied upon. He knew what to say, to show that he cared and give support without blame. He had become a wise man.

Many of our happiest family times were down at the coast and once he had his own family Robert loved to take them to the beach. 

In those harrowing last days, with Joanna’s unfailing support Robert made it to the beach at Southsea. There he was able to look out at the power of the waves and the vastness of the sea. Amidst all the pain and sadness it is a comfort to think of this journey they made together and to imagine that fleeting moment of happiness for Robert looking out towards the sea.

Our dear son and brother, this world is a lesser place without you. 

Robert, we will love you always and forever.”

Click here for more information on my downloadable guide How to Write and Deliver a Great Eulogy in 6 Simple Steps, complete with poems, quotations, public speaking tips and fill-in-the-blanks eulogy templates.

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Eulogy Help at Your Fingertips

To help you write – and deliver – a great eulogy, here is an outline of the six steps which have been shown again and again to work well. These eulogy help steps were developed during my years of writing, delivering and advising on over 100 eulogies in my role as a professional Funeral Presider (fulfilling the role traditionally taken by the priest).

Step 1 – A Moment for Yourself

At a time of sadness and loss, things often seem harder than they would at other times. And as well as the emotional side, there are also many practical things to deal with. And yet, writing a eulogy is far simpler than many people at first think.

To make this easier, before you start writing, it will help you to remember something important. Which is that when you deliver the eulogy you will have an extremely sympathetic audience, a group of people who want you to do really well and are 100% behind you. They will appreciate that by giving this speech you are helping them to remember the person who’s gone, and many of them will thank you afterwards, that’s for sure.

Another really useful thing to do is to set aside some time for yourself, without distractions, and spend a while connecting with your memories of that special person.

Step 2 – What Kind of Eulogy?

There are two kinds of eulogy – the short biography, and the personal view. You simply need to choose one kind.

In a nutshell, the short biography is where you talk about someone’s life as a whole. One benefit of this approach is that it acknowledges the many different aspects of someone’s life, and it can also be very personal, especially when you include true stories and memories. There is only room for one such eulogy at a funeral.

The personal view is more a series of snapshots of the person’s character. It can be purely your own experiences, or can include other people’s memories too. This can be very immediate and personal, especially if you decide to write it as if you are talking to the person who has gone. There could be a one or more such eulogies at a funeral.

Step 3 – Collect Your Building Blocks

What if you could imagine floating up in a balloon, and looking down on someone’s life as a series of photographs and video clips laid out below you? Your next step is simply to collect those photos and clips, those ‘building blocks’ of your eulogy speech. You can do this purely from your own memory, or by talking to others as well.

Step 4 – Bring Them Together

Every eulogy has an opening, a middle and a closing.

For the opening you can thank people for coming, perhaps say how the person who has died would have felt about them all being there, etc. For the closing, say how much the person will be missed, if appropriate thank people who were involved in looking after them, and maybe invite people back to any gathering that is happening. For the middle, you simply put your building blocks in sequence, usually in the order they happened in real life, and link them together.

Step 5 – Rehearse and Refine

This is a very helpful step. You can read the eulogy through in your mind, or say it out loud. As you do so you will hear where you want to make improvements.

And once you have made changes and refined the eulogy a couple of times, it’s absolutely crucial that you rehearse the delivery of the eulogy. This will make a huge difference to you, because a great speech, poorly delivered, is NOT a great speech.

The very best, most effective way of rehearsing is called ‘mental rehearsal’, which involves running through the speech in your mind’s eye, as if it were the real thing, happening now, and having it go very well. This is the approach used by athletes when they run a race, or play a game inside their minds before the actual event.

Step 6 – Delivering the Eulogy

This is actually the shortest of the six steps, because it will only last a few minutes. And when you have followed the other five steps, this one is relatively straightforward. Helpful tips include having tissues with you, taking a small bottle of water up with you, and taking two copies of the eulogy just in case.

And afterwards, please enjoy knowing that you have honoured the departed, and made a difference to everyone who heard your speech – you have helped their healing process, and your own too.

You can get more  information and writing eulogy help on each of these steps, plus example eulogies, poems, quotations and public speaking tips, in my short, to-the-point guide How to Write and Deliver a Great Eulogy in 6 Simple Steps. It comes with a 100% money-back satisfaction guarantee. Click here to learn more about the Eulogy Writing Guide.

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How do you Write a Eulogy? Step-by-Step Guide

How do you write a eulogy that is heartfelt and memorable? If you plan to speak at your loved one’s funeral you may be wondering what steps are required to write and deliver the perfect speech. The thought of public speaking is daunting to most people. Combine the fear of public speaking with the grief of losing a loved one and speaking at a funeral may be one of the most difficult things you have to do.

How do you write a eulogy that summarizes the life of your loved one in a 5 to 10 minute speech? The second difficult part of writing a eulogy is choosing the information and stories related to your loved one to share with people at the funeral. The person achieved a lot in his or her life and you shared numerous memories with them. It is important to know what information is typically included in a eulogy. The guide below will help you write a eulogy and select the information to include in the speech.

1. Collect the Information

The first step to writing a eulogy is to collect the information. Begin by taking a piece of paper, or sitting at a computer, and write down everything about the person that you can think of. Don’t worry about writing too much; the goal is to collect as much information as you can. Think about what made the person special, what were the favorite memories you shared together, what the person taught you, and what you will remember most about them. It can help to look at old photographs because they can help trigger memories you have forgotten.

Now that you have collected as much information as you can, the next step is to interview others. Speaking to friends and family of the deceased can help you to gather more information to include in the eulogy. If you are looking for additional help collecting information, use the following list to give you more ideas.

- Birthplace: Where was he or she born?

- Family: Parents, brothers and sisters.

- Childhood: Location, friends, interests, etc.

- Education: High school, post-secondary, trade school and any awards or other designations.

- Relationships: Marriage, divorce and any other significant relationships.

- Children: Children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc.

- Career: Most significant jobs, positions held, achievements, etc.

- Organizations: Military service, fraternal organizations and other clubs.

- Interests: Sports, hobbies, travels, etc.

- Other: Any other special facts about the person.

2. Write the Eulogy

After you have collected the data, the second step is to write the eulogy. Typically, a eulogy is either written in chronological order and like all speeches it includes a beginning, middle, and conclusion. The introduction should welcome people and introduce yourself, your loved one, and the theme of your eulogy. The middle (body) is the main part of your eulogy, where you share information and stories about the deceased. The conclusion is your last word, where you tie the themes together, telling a final story and ending with a final farewell.

The first step is to take the information you collected and arrange it in to the order you want for the speech. Next, you will want to turn the facts into grammatically correct paragraphs. Remember that the first step is to produce a draft and it is important not to worry too much about spelling, grammar and the overall speech. The goal is to get a speech written and then you can revise it.

3. Polish and Practice

After you have written the first draft you will want to read through it and begin to fix spelling and grammar errors. Cross out sections that are unnecessary, or move sections around to change the order of the speech. It will take a few revisions before you produce the final speech.

Now that you have the final version of the speech you will want to practice reading the speech. Practicing the speech will help to prepare you for reading it at the funeral and will also help you to find mistakes you may have missed during the editing phase. After you have read the speech to yourself a few times, we recommend asking a friend or family member if you can read the speech to them. They will be able to suggest changes to the speech and help you feel comfortable reading it in front of other people.

4. Deliver the Eulogy

After all of the hard work writing the eulogy it is time to read it at the funeral service. Reading the eulogy will likely be the most difficult part of the eulogy process. Reading a speech in public is a fear that many of us have; however, saying a few words about a loved one at their funeral is a huge honor. Remember that everyone attending the funeral is sharing in the grief that you are feeling. They will understand if you get emotional during the eulogy and are there to support you.

We recommend printing a copy of the speech in a large font and brining it to the funeral. It is not necessary to memorize the speech and trying to memorize it will add stress to an already difficult situation. Remember that friends and family will appreciate the words you have written about the deceased person and will understand if you have to read the speech or if you get emotional during the eulogy.

How do you write a eulogy? It isn’t easy, but it is a tremendously rewarding exercise. The process of writing the eulogy gives you an opportunity to reflect on all of the fond memories you shared with the deceased. Looking through old photos and reflecting on memories is an excellent grief recovery tool. Furthermore, reading the eulogy at the funeral gives you a chance to say goodbye to your loved one and pay tribute to their life. For more help learning how to write a eulogy, read the other articles listed below.

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6-Step Eulogy Writing Guide

Eulogies are the speeches that are delivered during a memorial service. If you have been asked to speak at a funeral, this 6-step eulogy writing guide will help you compose a memorable speech that pays tribute to your loved one.

Typically a close friend, family member, or a member of the clergy, will deliver the eulogy. Naturally, when someone is asked to deliver a speech at a funeral, there is some hesitation. It is not that the person does not want to honor their loved one; it is the fear of speaking in front of a group of people. Combine the fear of public speaking with the grief of a loss and giving a eulogy is a difficult thing to do. We recommend the following 6-Step Guide to Writing and Delivery a Eulogy. Click the following link to learn more about this excellent product. Or, read the summary of the 6-step eulogy writing guide below.

1. Prepare

Preparation is an important and often overlooked step when writing a eulogy. The emotion of losing a loved one combined with the distractions of career, family and other outside factors can affect our ability to write a eulogy. Locate a place where you can be alone and turn off your phone and anything else that will cause distraction. Now, take a deep breathe, relax, and began writing the eulogy.

2. Plan

Now that you are ready to begin writing the eulogy, you should start by planning what you are going to write. Do you want the eulogy to be serious or light-hearted? Do you want to share your own stories, or include stories from other people? Do you want the eulogy to be written in chronological order? What information do you want to include? For example, family history, career, interests, and so on.

3. Collect

After you have decided what to write you will need to collect the information. Write the headings of the topics you plan to include on a piece of paper. This may include childhood, family, education, career, marriage, children, interests, and so on. Next, begin to write all of the information you can think of under each heading. When you are finished, you can contact family members and close friends and ask them to provide you additional information on the deceased. You will also want to spend time thinking about a few personal stories that you can include in the eulogy.

4. Write

Now that you have all of the information for the eulogy, it is time to write it. Begin by taking the information and turning it into a rough draft. The best way to do this is to take the information under each heading and turn it into properly structured paragraphs. Next, you will want to write the introductory paragraph where you introduce yourself and what you plan to speak about in the eulogy. The next step is to take each of the sections you have written and combine them into a speech. Remember that this is the first draft and will likely include a lot of facts that are unnecessary. Read the speech to yourself a few times and remove the unnecessary information and fix the spelling and grammar errors. Continue to edit and rewrite the speech until you are left with a final version that you are happy with.

5. Practice

When the final version of the eulogy is complete it is time to rehearse the speech. Read it to yourself a few times and refine the speech as necessary. Next, you will want to read the speech out loud to better prepare yourself for reading the eulogy at the funeral. You may also want to ask a friend or family member if they will listen to the speech because they can help by suggesting changes. Practice the speech as often as you need, but do not worry about memorizing it.

6. Deliver

Now that you have practiced the speech, it is time to read it at the funeral. Remember to try and not worry about memorizing the speech. We recommend printing a copy of the speech in a large font and having it with you. The friends and family will not care if you refer to the speech, or even read from it, at the funeral. Also, it is perfectly understandable if you get emotional during the speech. If you begin to get overwhelmed with emotions, simply pause and take a deep breath then continue.

Reading a eulogy at a funeral gives you a chance to honor the person who passed away. Writing and giving the eulogy may seem like an impossible task at first, but with some preparation it can be easier than you may think. Above we have provided you with the basic information required to write a eulogy. For more in-depth information and help, click the link below to download the 6-step eulogy writing guide.

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